Instant Recall

I wrote this post on June 7^th, 2010.  I had come home early from one of Derek's ballgames (ok, more like 8:30 pm, so not too early) to feed the dogs, while the rest of the family was still at the high school baseball field - Derek on the field, Emma and Papa in the stands.  I really must have burned this into my memory because it’s a short moment that I have never forgotten and look back on frequently; both in the horrid heat of the summer and the frigid cold of the winter.  The scents, the calmness, the peace….  

Embracing the darkness that the evening has brought, I am home alone and at this moment my world is still and quiet. The clouds look like a thick blanket in the night sky and the mountains to the east seem to be keeping the busy world on the other side at bay. Fireflies are dancing like fairies in the small wood next to my house and there is the distant rumbling sound of a train whose brakes let out a scream as it rounds a curve. Just a few feet from me a doe is cautiously nibbling the sweet clover in my yard, keenly aware that I am near as she lifts her head every few steps to make sure that I have not moved closer to her. This is one of those gentle, cool summer nights that you try to burn into your memory forever so the thought of it can be retrieved during one of the thick, hot, humid nights yet to come.

Auditions

Emma had an instrument audition this morning, for the West Virginia Governor’s School for the Arts (GSA).  This was on the heels of her audition last Saturday for the WV All State band.  Last week’s audition did not go very well for her.  In fact, as I stood outside of the audition room listening to her play, my heart broke for her.  I have heard her practice those pieces for months; sometimes flawlessly, sometimes with mistakes, but never the way had she played it that day.  She was too nervous and she choked under the pressure.  She walked out of the audition room with such a look of defeat and despair, all I could do was open my arms for her to fall into.  I was so grateful that Derek showed up after her audition, because her mood completely changed upon seeing him. 

Today’s audition went so much better!  She came out of the room smiling, relaxed, and happy (making me an extremely relieved parent).  After she gave a hug to a girl she knew from another school and exchanging wishes of good luck to each other, we headed home.  On the drive home, Emma described today’s audition and went over the questions he asked her.  The judge sounded like a nice guy who helped the kids relax as they performed for him.  When I asked who else from her band was auditioning, she ran through the list of names which brought us to another conversation.  Apparently in school yesterday, upon hearing Emma say she was auditioning for GSA, one of the girls turned away from Emma and said “I don’t know why she’s auditioning for GSA.  She couldn’t even make All State”.

I don’t understand why this person would choose to say something like that, other than she has an extremely over-inflated ego.  If you have ever auditioned for anything, especially anything musical, you only get one shot.  There are no “Oh wait, let me try that again” moments.  You are either on that day, or you are off.  Sometimes you can recover, sometimes you can’t.  Even the most talented musicians have off days.  It happens.  Emma is second alternate for All State and, for as bad as her audition was, she was only two points away from making the orchestra.  I think that says quite a bit about her talent and she should be proud.

I don’t think my child would ever say something like that to another child, either to their face or behind their back.  Given the mom network in place around here, I am almost positive I would have heard from someone if Emma were ever mean.  I hope that I raised my children to be thoughtful, kind, and compassionate (Frank passed his sarcasm on to them).  Emma may not be in Honors and AP classes, and she’s made a couple of bad decisions that she has been apologizing for over a year for, but I’ll take her silly, kind heart any day of the week.  In fact, my 15 year old daughter still holds my hand in public, which to me is priceless and worth way more to me than Honors and AP classes.

Parents, remind your kids to be kind to each other - Life is too short not to be.

Mom rant over, now to prepare for today's swim meet.

Burned Out Momma

It seems today was a sort of awakening for me and I'm hoping that I don't hit the snooze button. 

I hit a virtual wall last winter and I have not been able to get over it. I'm constantly tired, no matter how many hours of sleep I get, my hair is falling out, I can't stop gaining weight, I don't want to visit people, talk to people, or go places. Basically, I'm just not me. I've been feeling this way for months; almost a year, in fact. At first I was worried that I was depressed. I talked to my family doctor who immediately offered to write a prescription to help get me through it (I think it was Zoloft or Paxil), but I wasn't ready to explore that route so I kept trudging on, making all the same motions, following the same routines all the while knowing that something is just not right with me. 

Today, I found a little hope.  Today I think I figured out what is going on with me.  I don't remember what I was googling, but I stumbled upon an article titled "5 Ways to Bring Yourself Back from Burnout" on Oprah's website (http://www.oprah.com/spirit/What-to-Do-When-Youre-Burned-Out-Consequences-of-Stress). The first two paragraphs from the article left me ecstatic at the thought that I may have found the cause of my issue as well as potential fixes. 

"You wake up almost as tired as when you fell asleep, four hours ago. After hitting the snooze button twice, you stumble to the kitchen and chug a quart of coffee. It doesn't help. Your face in the mirror looks like the child you might have had with Voldemort. You can barely squeeze into your last-resort "fat pants." Getting your kids off to school feels like climbing Everest; driving to the job you once loved, an uphill slog to the salt mines. You dread interacting with your coworkers. It's not that you aren't a caring, compassionate person; it's just that you hate everyone."

"If this sounds familiar, you may think you're depressed. But you might be dealing with a subtly different problem: burnout. Scientists differentiate the two, and it's a crucial distinction. If you confuse burnout with depression and address it only with antidepressants or therapy, you'll overlook the behavioral changes you must make to restore your depleted physical and hormonal reserves. Left unchecked, burnout can be lethal. So if you're anywhere between lightly toasted and totally charred, it's time to chill."

That's me!! Well, all except the hating everyone. I don't hate everyone, I just don't want to talk to anyone. Big difference. So now what. How do I get to the point where I want to take corrective action? I've been putting off exercise, mostly because there is no time. I don't eat terribly bad (no fast food), but I know I could make a conscious effort to eat better. I also know I need to get more than four- five hours of interrupted sleep each night. Lastly, I need to learn how to say no. At work, school, sports. 

I think it would be a little different if I were a stay-at-home mom. I am not saying SAHM's don't do anything!! I know how hard they work and what their days are filled with.  However, I try to do more than I should for someone who has an intense full-time job that involves travel. I need to be one of the moms who helps in little ways (i.e. Can I write you a check for that?). I am going to back off of some of my volunteer duties just a little. I need to make the same change at work. Most everyone knows that I won't say no when they come to me for help. They also know that I am a good listener and often have people in my cubicle telling me lots of things I may or may not want to know. Even when I keep typing with my back to them they continue to stand there and talk to me. I have even taken the extra step of leaving my book bag on the "visitor" chair in my cubicle to keep people from sitting down and no, that doesn't work So how do I change this? How do I stop being a people pleaser without becoming a bitch? How do I stop caring whether or not people think I'm a bitch? How do I stop caring if so-and-so doesn't like that I'm friends with so-and -so? How do I stop feeling like I have to do 101 things and go 100 miles per hour while doing them all?

 I guess I have a lot to figure out.  Wherever I start it's not going to be easy, so I'll start with the least difficult. Early to bed it is - which apparently means 10:30 for me.