Sunday, February 28, 2016

Fat Momma and Horse Dreams

Two weeks ago, we finally started the lease on a horse named Anton.  Of course, when I came home and told my husband (DH) we were doing a half-lease on a horse, he immediately asked "Which half? I don't think we should pay full price if we get the ass end."  Talk about laughing out loud!  Oh how I love him and his crazy, sarcastic sense of humor.

Anton is a seasoned warmblood who, according to Emma's riding instructor, loves Dressage.  By seasoned, I mean that Anton is a 24 year old gelding who has apparently seen quite a few dressage tests in his time.  Of course, you cannot tell that he is an older guy when riding him - well, I can't tell when I watch Emma ride him.  Emma has been riding him for several months now, and I am looking forward to being able to ride him soon.  I hope.  Fingers crossed.  Prayers being said.  Trying to sound positive when I say that I will be able to ride him soon.

Why am I putting off doing something I so desperately want to do?  Fear.  Not the type of fear you are probably thinking about.  I am not afraid of falling off (had lots of practice at that when I was a younger rider) and I am not afraid of riding in general.  I am afraid that I am too heavy to ride.  I am afraid of how difficult it will be to mount the horse.  I am afraid about the things people will say when they see me on a horse.  I am afraid that my large butt will not fit in a regular saddle.

These may seem like irrational concerns, but they are real enough to keep me from taking that next step of actually riding.  I want to ride so much, I think about it several times a day.  Seriously!  When I go to the barn with Emma, I want to ride with her, not just watch from the other side of the ring.

In addition to my fears, there are so many "horse" things that I feel I need to relearn.  There was a point in time when I could answer just about every horse question thrown at me; breeds, riding styles, health, feeding, and so on.  I can remember going to the Maryland State 4-H Horse Bowl when I was a young teen.  The Horse Bowl is like a combination of That's Academic and Jeopardy - at least that's what it was like in the early to mid 80-s.  I still have one of the books I used as a study-guide with lot
s of notes scribbled in it.  I was also that kid who cantered everywhere, "played horse" all the time, and read all of the horsey books I could get my hands on.  I used to think it was so cool that I shared the same first name as Marguerite Henry, author of horse books such as Misty of Chincoteague and King of the Wind.

(Picture source  

Back then, I believed with every fiber of my being that horses would always be a part of my life. Here I am, a couple of decades later, and I need horses back in my life. I need that gentleness, trust, companionship, and unconditional love.  I'm not sure when I will ever work up the nerve to get on Anton, or any other horse for that matter... I just hope it happens soon.