In keeping with my need to write, here is the second post of the year! Woohoo! This is very personal, and possibly more information than any of you ever wanted to know.
Bankruptcy.
That’s something that happens to other people,
and definitely not something you ever expect to happen to “you”.
In fact, the word itself conjures up images
of people who are extremely irresponsible, people who have bought the best of
everything and drive expensive cars, and people who try their best to keep up
with the Smiths.
That’s the typical stereotype,
right?
At least, that’s what most people
think, until they meet “normal” people who are going through Bankruptcy.
Our story started well over a decade before we even stepped foot into the courtroom to file for bankruptcy.
I can remember years ago, back when DH and I
worked in Frederick, he always took care of the finances and I would always ask
him (beg him) to take some time to go over them with me.
He would always say that we'd go over it "this weekend"and assure me that everything was fine, but
it would never happen.
I let this continuous loop run for far too long.
I’m not sure why I finally decided
to run a credit check on both of us, other than I was tired of being kept in
the dark about everything.
I was on
break at work when I finally decided to check, and I’m pretty sure my
co-workers remember that day just about as well as I do.
I was shocked when I saw the numbers.
So much so, that I sobbed out loud and then I
called my husband.
I asked him “HOW?”
“WHY?” Then I yelled into the phone words which
I had never said to him in our almost twenty years of marriage, “I HATE YOU!”
I could not believe the amount we
were in debt.
I also couldn’t understand
how it happened.
I never went shopping
for clothes or shoes, I didn’t have a hobby, and I didn’t even buy music.
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN????
My head was spinning, I was a blubbering
mess, so I took sick leave for the rest of the day and went home.
I think Frank left work early to meet me,
which ended up being about the same time our son got home from school.
Poor kid had never heard us fight before that
day.
In fact, as I yelled at DH, our son
ran upstairs and locked himself in his room.
Within two hours of coming home
that day, I went into “Save My Family” mode.
I found a legitimate program that offered services to assist people with
debt management (Money Management International (MMI)
http://www.moneymanagement.org/).
The counselor I talked to was very frank and
upfront, indicating that we may end up having to file for bankruptcy; however,
when I set my mind to something, I usually go full speed ahead.
I pulled as much money out of my
401(k) as I could to get us through for a little while, as our debt management
program started.
I called all of the
credit card companies, asking them to please work with me and accept smaller payments.
MOST of the credit card companies were
willing to work with me.
I was adamant
that we were going to pay back every single cent of the debt that was in our
name.
I tried.
I tried so hard to make it work.
I even swallowed my pride and bought weekly
groceries from Angel Food Ministries.
Talk about a change!
Going from
organic groceries to, well, food just meant to provide nourishment to my family
was a shock to say the least. I managed to make the required payments through
MMI, but when I ended up with $40.00 to cover groceries and gas for two weeks,
I knew I had to make a tough decision – bankruptcy.
The first lawyer we met with was worthless.
As soon as I can find the paperwork from that
company, I’ll post the name of that lawyer.
She basically told me to stop making payments on our house.
Uh… what???
Oh hell no!!
I was trying to do
the RIGHT thing.
When we left her
office, I felt confused and defeated.
I
did a little more research and found an extremely reputable lawyer whose focus
was on bankruptcy and actually HELPING people.
His name is Aaron Amore in Charles Town.
Before meeting with him, I bought a Bankruptcy for Dummies book (laugh,
but it was extremely informative).
When
we met with Amore, we had an idea of what to expect, but he explained
everything even further.
Prior to our experience, I always
thought “Bankruptcy” meant that all of your debt was wiped clean and you
started fresh.
Talk about a wake-up
call!
For “regular” people, there are
actually two types of bankruptcy; Chapter 7 and Chapter 13, and who files for
which one depends on salary and assets. Chapter 7 is a liquidation bankruptcy,
and Chapter 13 is a reorganization bankruptcy.
We “qualified” for Chapter 13 bankruptcy, which meant we had to pay our
debt back.
On top of our mortgage
payment, our home equity loan payment, and our car payment, we also had to pay
$2600 each month to a bankruptcy trustee for five years.
As soon as we started working with Amore, the
creditors stopped calling and I felt like I could breathe again.
Financially, things were tight but we were
managing.
For the better part of a year, I
maintained a coolness with my DH.
I no
longer thought of us as a married couple; rather, we were just people sharing a
house.
If we could have afforded it, I
would have asked him to leave.
I didn’t
hide the way I felt, and he was painfully aware of it.
The difference, though, between DH and most
people in this situation, is that he changed.
He truly took responsibility for his actions and changed.
He took a second job at WalMart to help make
ends meet before our bankruptcy, he only used whatever cash I gave him on a
weekly basis, and he finally started to view me with respect.
Many people have asked what he
spent our money on, expecting something juicy or exciting.
Truthfully, DH just got caught up in credit
cards.
He did buy himself whatever he
wanted.
Usually, it was music, baseball
items, baseball gear for our son (i.e. $500 bats), etc.
Much of my resentment toward my DH during
this time, was based on the fact that I never spent money on myself prior to
the bankruptcy and he had no problem spending money on himself.
It took a while for me to get over that, but
I
think I finally have.
:)
About a year and half after all of
this transpired, I realized my animosity was starting to make me a very bitter,
angry person.
I was miserable and tired
of working on auto-pilot at home.
I
realized that I had to forgive DH, and I also had to admit that I should have
taken action long before I did.
We
worked on our marriage and started “dating” each other.
I think falling in love the second time was
even better than the first time.
He’s
still not a dancer and he is still an extreme introvert, and I’m still not a
baseball fanatic nor a fan of staying at home all the time, but we are good
together and make a good team.
The odds
of couples staying together during a bankruptcy is not very good, so I’m proud
of us.
Our last bankruptcy payment was on August 28th and we were formally discharged from our Chapter 13 in November.
When I received my official notice (every
single piece of correspondence was sent in duplicate; one to DH, and one to
me), I cried as I read the letter.
The
Trustee congratulated us on successfully completing our plan.
Of course, being the nerd that I am I had to
research the percentage of successful Chapter 13 bankruptcies and I discovered
the average is only 33%.
33%!!!! Yikes!!!
We really were successful.
We saved our
marriage and paid our debt.
I am still
slowly catching up on my 401(k), I still cringe (even though I shouldn’t)
whenever the phone rings and I don’t recognize the number, and I still cannot
get a loan for the car of my dreams (although I
was able to buy our son a "new" car), but things are going pretty good for us
right now.
Although I have never hid the fact that we were going through financial
hardship, I never asked for help from anyone or from any of the
organizations my children were involved with. I always paid whatever
band, baseball, swim, soccer, scholastic fees we came across by scraping
all of our funds together and going without lots of other "things".
Of course, this is a very condensed
version of our bankruptcy story.
I would
like to write something more in depth and detailed in the future.
I hope that in sharing our story, I can help
at least one other person.
For those who may be caught up in a financial nightmare, please know that Bankruptcy is not an instantaneous
end to your problems.
It is difficult, but if you are dedicated and committed to fixing your problems, bankruptcy can help you recover. I would also suggest a couple of really, really good friends who will listen, offer their shoulder for good cries, and walk when you need to walk.
*****If you live in WV and would like to
seek legal counseling for bankruptcy, I highly suggest Aaron Amore (
http://www.amorelaw.com/). As an FYI - I was not compensated in any way whatsoever for recommending Mr. Amore. I wrote this because I wanted to share my own personal experience.
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